Bruise and Battered

Owhh my whole body is aching from my legs all the way to my arms and shoulder recently due to sports and physical injury....ouch ouch....one day i know i am gonna hurt something real bad but thank god for my very strong body which does not give way so easily.

On 31st oct 2009 i was a facilitator of the Kem R.I.M.U.P,its a camp which encourages unity among the three major races in malaysia, chinese malay and indian. So the camp was two days and boy was it tiring, all the way from the week before preparing for the camp all the way to the end of the camp, i was constantly working, amking sure everything is in place, everything that the teacher needs or wants me to do was carried, making sure the participants enjoy themselves, lodging, food, equipment, games, the school, Human Resource and managing and much much more that i cant explain finish.

I worked very hard to make sure ends meet, and i really wanted something rewarding in the end, well i learn how to manage my resource human and things alike, responsibility, intergration and so on, many things which teach me much more about hard work. But i really wanted something more than that cause by the end of the day, i know i worked very hard and the fruits will always be just a simply thank you.........but i really wanted more than that.

It kind of reminds me of how i always work hard but gain very little, why does life always favour those who dont work hard but gain a good life? Why should those who work so hard be the ones who face failure in the end?

How come i always must be the one who sits by the sideline when i have changed myself so much, How come i must fail over and over again in life when i work so hard, how come i cant seem to find that love i am looking for in my life, a hole in my heart which i long so much to fill.

I am bruise and battered so much that i myself cant fix and hold myself forever, even as i write i met a right shoulder injury which resulted in swealing, the skin burst a small hole but the worst is the bruise, it hurts when i move it but i feel better after treating it the way i always do with some oilment and bandage, it feels comfortable and mush more soothing but i really want a hug to make it better.

This has trigger Painful memories of how i always work hard but come up short in the end, there is so much a man can bear, I am not superman and even superman has feelings, in life i am always trying to find someone who understands me, all i need is just someone to be with becuase words cannot explain what happens in my life day in day out unless you feel what i feel.

Bruise and battered, i am going to spiral back into my sad sad self again, wondering why my life has turn out this way, how come i always seem to be there by myself, sometimes you feel very lonely in a sea of people, sometimes i feel like a transparent glass infront of my friends but nobody cares for those who are hurting on the inside and i learn the hard way that no matter how much you cry nobody will be there to tell you its ok, giving you the support you need,comforting you, time and time i always had to pick myself up........cant a man have a little love?

To those who have many friends, please enjoy your moments with them, you dont wanna lose them, you dont wanna lose those percious moments of laughter and joy, you dont want to hate each other for a little misunderstanding because people like me are the ones who truly understand what its like to be on the sideline, lonely and finding a way out of it. To those who have found Love, enjoy every moment you have even the little fights you go through because love is very hard to find in this world now, even getting someone to be with you in a relationship is very hard to me and you should not be complaining about the relationship you have unless he is a bastard and she is a bitch.

I am very tired inside and out, sometimes i just wanna be in a sweet dream forever, never to wake up to the harsh painful reality that i am in now.....dear god please show me a way out of this, please just go easy on me and spare me the pain if i decide to end myself...dear god i pray you hear for once in my life and heal this broken man.....